A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.