Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers