Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.