There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

Every time I use an app, part of my brain dies! We'll get to the point where we go to bed and wonder: 'Did I have a thought today?' You'll have to go to your 'Thought' app!

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.