The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.