I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?