Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.