You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'