You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.