I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.