I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.