If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.

When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is.

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.