If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.