What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.