What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.