What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I was very young, gave me a top to play with. They called it a dreidel. I knew it was a top. And as I looked at that top, I said, 'You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.