Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.