Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'