I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!