If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have.

None of this seems to affect the leadership, that people don't go out to vote, that they don't feel the need to go vote, that they already feel disenfranchised. It's not just Obama's fault or Clinton's or whomever's, it's all of them, the whole collection of clowns I've had to sit through.

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.