If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition.