I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.