I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.