When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there's been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are really the ones that give me hope. There's so much of "they don't know this, and they don't know that," and they're always denigrating.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George Bush. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. If you're the President, you should go We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face. The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha.