I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.