I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.

When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.