This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.