This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.

My parents were married for sixty-five years, and I was married for about ten minutes, my first year at Yale Drama School. Something, somehow, didn't get passed on to my generation.

Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.