You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

Political audiences are not fun.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.