We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

Self-love is a big part of golf.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers