We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!