What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.