I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.

A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.