I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.

When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'