I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition.

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.