I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.

I had to watch the Republican stuff which makes me feel even older than I am. By the time I get through the Democrats, I may be dead. I don't know how much older I can get.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.