The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

Let's all start walking more and driving less.