Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.