Lewis Grizzard Quotes

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

There's no such thing as being too Southern.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

Let's all start walking more and driving less.

I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.

"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

Spring time is the land awakening.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.