If you're ordering me an edible arrangement to say thanks, I'd prefer a meat one.

My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.

Whatever the tiny bubbles sitting beautifully on the surface of the absolutely delicious-looking skin around his forehead and neck were, they were doing a lot for his overall appearance...and for my heart rate.

My heart's pounding like I'm watching Oprah's farewell season.

Trying on jeans is my favorite thing. Maybe later I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor.

Who hasn't made mistakes? I once french kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12 year old.

I want to do that thing rich people do where they turn money into more money.