Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.
Louis C. K.There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.
Louis C. K.Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
Louis C. K.Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
Louis C. K.You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.
Louis C. K.One time, I threw a candy wrapper on the street. I was with a friend who said to me, You just littered on the street! Don't you care about the environment? And I thought about it, and I said, You know what? This isn't the environment. This is New York City. New York City is not the environment. New York City is a giant piece of litter. Next to Mexico City, it's the shittiest piece of litter in the world. Just a pussy, runny, smokin', stinkin' piece of litter.
Louis C. K.