My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'