I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.

I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school ... Technical high school, that's where dreams are narrowed down. We tell our children, "You can do anything you want." Their whole lives. "You can do anything!" But this place, we take kids - they're 15, they're young - and we tell them, "You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you."

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

The ability to just sit there. That's being a person.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."