The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person."

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.