The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

I wish I could [keep a journal]. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.