I don't feel those limits when I'm on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it's all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

People don't talk to me on airplanes.

When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.

You could drive a rental car until you don't want it. Just get out of it while it's moving and just walk away. No, I don't feel like being in that car any longer. Just call Hertz. Hi, your car is drifting into the intersection of 28th and Broadway, if you're interested. It's now your problem.