Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.

The ability to just sit there. That's being a person.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.