Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.

If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.