Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it's a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, “This can't be good.” None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.