Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it's a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning.

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.