I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know?