In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.

It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

What we've done with our modern food supply is absolute insanity. It's not even real any more. You used to be able to give a kid an apple and they would love it. Kids can't even taste apples any more. Apples taste like paper to kids now.

I like all ladies of all different ages.