In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.