I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.