I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.

I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I'm gonna argue with this guy, but I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not having his argument; I'm having mine. So, he's like, 'Go!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You're stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got back in his car, and he locked his doors.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

You have to be able to do a bunch of things at once, and not think about things you're not doing while you're doing other things. You have to be disciplined about not trying to do everything, all at the same time. It's hard and fun.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.