There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself into Harvard, that's a good way to go, because every Harvard graduating class, the agencies come trolling around and they'll look for you. So if you go to Harvard, you'll get found there.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'