You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.

If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

Perception is created and twisted so quickly.