When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.