When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

Everything that people say is testable.