I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Apple embodies a lot of what have been defined as feminine traits: an emphasis on intuitive design, intellect, a strong sense of creativity, and that striving to always make the greatest version of something.

Misery is wasted on the miserable.