I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.

I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.

It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'