Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.

I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'