If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.

Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.

Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple.

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.