I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

I spend enough time onscreen looking hangdog and depressed.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

I like all ladies of all different ages.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

I did a show in New Jersey in the auditorium of a technical high school ... Technical high school, that's where dreams are narrowed down. We tell our children, "You can do anything you want." Their whole lives. "You can do anything!" But this place, we take kids - they're 15, they're young - and we tell them, "You can do eight things. We got it down to eight for you."