I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

I've learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work.

It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.

Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple.