I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.