There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

Perception is created and twisted so quickly.

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars ... If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.