I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.

I love comedians. They're my community.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant, and you sort of get a list from her every day, and you do, you know, you run down the list, and it feels very much like a chore. And a lot of fathers live in kind of an avoidance. They sit on the toilet for several hours a day... Oh, honey, it took me 40 minutes to go to the post office... But once you become a dad without the mom there, you have to take it all on, and you sort of activate male skills that you didn't know you could apply to fatherhood.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.