I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.

I love comedians. They're my community.

If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the new one? I hate this thing.

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.

Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.