I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

If the whole country had to have the same conversation that was safe for everybody, it would be a pretty awful place to live. There wouldn't be a conversation.

If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.