I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.

In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something.

You have to be able to do a bunch of things at once, and not think about things you're not doing while you're doing other things. You have to be disciplined about not trying to do everything, all at the same time. It's hard and fun.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home.