I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

[about being a father] I don't really remember what it was like before. Whatever I had going on, it was bullshit. It wasn't important. It's kind of a nice thing about being a dad. My identity is really about them now, and what I can do for them, so it sort of takes the pressure off of your own life. What am I going to do, who am I? Who cares, you've got to get your kids to school. So I like it that way.

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.