I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.