You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.

Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.

I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities. Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.