You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago...that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy.

I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n---' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'.

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.

You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'